OK, I have like a ton of these, seriously. I write down funny things that people say, and a lot of them are said by my teachers, so...
Miss Simpson - "Try it and you'll be out of here faster than a...fast thing,"
Miss Warner - "This is NOT going to be a fun lesson. My form aren't even having a party."
(she dashes across the room and sits on a box marked '8JWa')
Aaron - "Miss, aren't those crisp packets?"
Miss Warner - "No, no, this is...my laundry?"
Miss Warner – “I need to talk to two people though, cos I got two identical pieces of work handed in with different names on. And yes, Aaron, you can look sheepish because it’s YOU,”
Miss Lindsay (to Mr Ashworth) – “Ohhhh,”
Lydia and Alice – “(giggling) Ohhhh!”
Miss Lindsay – “I wasn’t saying that like I was swooning! I just wanted to borrow his dinner card!”
Mr Wearing – “No, I’m not telling anyone where I live!”
Zain – “I already know,”
Lydia – “He followed you home!”
Mr Wearing – “OH, so that was YOU, Zain!”
Mr Wearing - "Do you want a sheet?"
Auzma - "No,"
(Mr Wearing runs the edge of the sheet across her hand)
Mr Wearing (looking proud) - "Papercut!"
Mr Pearce - "There are a lot of nutters in this school, aren't there?"
Miss Williams (standing outside her classroom) - "I could just shut the door and spy on them all..."
Mrs Baker - "OK, everybody sit down and take your tops off! (...) Non-uniform ones, that is..."
Morgan (to Mr Johnson) - "Sir, sir, Mr Wearing's planted some cocaine in your drawer!"
Mr Johnson - "Excellent, let's do some!"
Mr Pearce - "I'm nothing like my brother. He's a scientist, does strange things with soil...which I think is desperately sad, to be honest,"
Mr Pearce - "Do you hate rich people?"
Joe - "Er...no,"
Mr Pearce - "Really? I do,"
Mrs Wilson – “I’m really at a loss as to why some people are talking when I’m not talking!”
Mr Wearing – “That’s a smoker’s cough if ever I heard one,”
Joe – “No it’s not,”
Mr Wearing – “Good denial there, Joe,”
(Later, Joe tries to conceal his coughing)
Mr Wearing – “What are you doing, Joe?”
Joe – “Trying to be quiet about my coughing so you don’t make rude comments,”
Mr Wearing – “It’s not rude, it’s just the truth,”
Mrs Siddle - "Generally speaking, we say generally speaking, generally - so we call it generally speaking..."
Tom P - "I'm going insane!"
Mr Hayter - "A bit too late for that, Tom!"
Miss Dawould - "Nobody's leaving! Jenny and William, you can go!"
(Ms Williams is walking past)
Becky H - "Oh! Miss!"
Ms Williams (stops) - "What?"
Becky - "Oh...never mind,"
Ms Williams - "No, what is it?"
Becky - "Nothing,"
Ms Williams - "Really?"
Becky - "Yes!"
Ms Williams - "Is it about your essay?"
Becky - "No!"
Ms Williams - "You sure?"
Becky - "Yes! It's nothing!"
Ms Williams - "Tell me, you've got me worried now,"
Becky - "It doesn't matter, it's nothing!"
Ms Williams - "Are you sure?"
Becky - "YES!"
Ms Williams - "Really sure?"
Becky - "YES!"
Ms Williams (hesitates for a long time) - "Well...OK then,"
Mr Wearing - "He's like a Superman type guy. He's like Jesus. (laughs) Superman Jesus. A Jesus that can fly!"
Mr Pearce - "Sometimes I enjoy a good drink, maybe some of you enjoy a good drink...hey, some of you might even be drunk now!"
Michael - "Miss, why have you got a cardboard scythe behind your desk?"
Miss Warner - "Oh, it's how I make some extra money when I'm not teaching..."
Miss Warner (to Natasha) - "You know, I can skip past all these steps, writing your name on the board and referrals and stuff, and I can just chop your head off,"
(after some people have come into the lesson to look around)
Miss Warner (waving the scythe around) - "It's a good thing they didn't come in now,"
(Miss Blenkinsop suddenly bursts into the classroom in the middle of our History lesson)
Miss Blenkinsop - "I'm sorry to interrupt, but, Mr Pearce, you know the Belgium flag? The Belgium flag, right? I know it's red, yellow and black, but does it go down or across?"
Mr Pearce - "Across, I think,"
Miss Blenkinsop - "You sure? Thanks!"
Mr Pearce (under his breath) - "Strange, strange woman..."
Aaron - "That's not very nice, Sir,"
Mr Pearce - "You can tell her if you like, she won't be surprised. I mean, have you ever, ever, in your life, worried about the Belgium flag?"
Mr Pearce - "You're poor, Josh, you're poor, poor, poor. You're poorer than the poorest poor person who was ever poor. You're poor!"
Mr Pearce - "They'll kill the landlord, they'll hang the landlord, they'll burn the landlord, they'll cut the landlord up into little pieces and they'll dance on those pieces!!!"
Lydia - "You smell,"
Miss Warner (quietly) - "Not as much as you do,"
Lydia - "I heard that!!"
Michael - "Sir, Lydia's written Christmas cards to herself,"
Mr Pearce - "Isn't it funny? I was doing that just the other day!"
Luke - "Sorry Sir, you're sad,"
Mr Pearce - "I wish I could say you were the first person to call me that,"
Mr Pearce - "You'd need a brain the size of a basketball to fully understand this,"
Mr Pearce - "It's easy to change the power situation, I mean, I could easily just get a revolver, go into the Head's office, shoot him dead, and jump up and down on his corpse shouting 'I'm the new Head of this school! I'm the new Head of this school!'!"
(Mr Pearce is drawing a diagram of a canal)
Mr Pearce - "That's a boat, see. It wouldn't have had a sail, but that's there so you know it's a boat,"
Miss Connell - "You're so gobby, Lydia. You come into the classroom and you're all, 'Miss, Miss, what are we doing? What's going on? I don't understand!' and it's just like, GOD DAMMIT, SHUT UP!"
(watching Macbeth, the version which is a 'Playboy production, co-produced by Hugh Hefner'...yes, seriously!!)
Mr Wearing - "If you're offended by naked old ladies, look away now..."
Michael - "Was this Hugh Hefner's part in it?!"
(later, there is a naked little boy)
Mr Wearing - "I apologize for the naked little boy..."
(later, Lady Macbeth is naked)
Mr Wearing - "I don't apologize for her naked body!!"
Miss Dawould - "Morgan. No, wait, not Morgan. Morgan? Why am I calling everybody Morgan?"
Joe - "Do you like The Libertines?"
Miss Warner - "My boyfriend does,"
Joe (holding out his hand which had been signed by the bass player the night before) - "Tell him about this!"
Miss Warner - "What, tell him I have a student who hasn't washed for a night?"
Joe - "Sir, what would you do if Peter attacked you with a shotgun?"
Mr Wearing - "Um...die?"
Mr Wearing (talking about Macbeth) - "Because he doesn't want anyone to know that he killed Mac...Duncan. And Mac Big Mac, and..."